Changing Words To Bullshit Words Do Not Change Their Meaning

Was just reading an article about the Toronto Maple Leafs that contained this quote:

The bulk of going to the net — which now is called having a net-front presence – will lie on the shoulders of 6-foot-3, 200-pound winger Luca Caputi.

Now here’s a quote from me to anyone who actually talks like that:

“Blow me.”

I’m sorry, make that: 

Kindly make with some dick-front presence.

For the benefit of the sensitive ladies in charge of such decisions, here are some suggestions for additional changes:

  • Icing the puck could be called a “whoopsie doo!”
  • A 5-minute fighting major penalty could be called “a 300 second post-quibble sit-down”
  • A penalty-kill could be called a “self-inflicted disadvantage” (or, alternatively: “trouble-time”)
  • The referees could be called the “Procedural and Regulatory Officers”
  • Commentator Pierre McGuire could be called “Grating Chrome-headed Prick”

I swear to god, if I start hearing the TV people saying “net-front presence”…..well, I am going to start watching football.

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