Archive for July, 2010

In Case You Haven’t Been Sufficiently Creeped Out Yet This Week…

July 31, 2010

Actually, "creeped out" is too mild a term for what I really think of this.



July 29, 2010

"Yeah…we're going for a week, then we're doing 2 days in Cockring Bay and stopping over at Anal-Beads Resort…"


July 29, 2010

"Happy Days" started in 1974 and was a nostalgic look at the mid-1950's.

So it took place about 20 years in the past.

That's like having a show today that is a nostalgic look back at 1990.  (You know…the quaint 90's)

"Happy Days" finished in 1984.  26 years ago.  That's longer ago than the difference between when the show was made and what years it portrayed.

"Back To The Future" came out one year after "Happy Days" finished.  At the end of the movie, Doc appears from the future (where "we don't need roads") and takes Marty back (forward) with him.  

The future they go to is 2015.  

That's 5 years from now.

9/11 was 9 years ago and it seems like yesterday….if that's the case, 5 years from now seems like tomorrow.

So basically, what I'm saying is: everything sucks.

The Who on The Rolling Stones’ Rock And Roll Circus

July 29, 2010

Here's The Who doing "A Quick One (While He's Away)" on TRSRARC in 1968.

Great song (used to great effect in "Rushmore", btw) and this video has it all when it comes to what you expect from The Who:

  • Townsend: jumping and windmilling
  • Daltry: bola-ing the mic and tassled to the nines
  • Moon: funny faces
  • Entwistle: standing…playing the bass


July 24, 2010

Spock's cuttin' a nasty one, 

Kirk is goin' "Wheeeeeew!" about it,

And Uhura is goin' "What did you say?"


July 22, 2010

Stereotypes Are Usually Wrong

July 20, 2010
…but sometimes they're not.

Jesus Christ!

i Will Never Be An iDiot

July 20, 2010

You know me….Google and Android all the way.

I am not a fan of Apple.  Yes, I respect their innovations, particularly the iPod, but otherwise the arrogance and blind ignorance that I associate with them puts me right off.  

"Hello, I'm an Apple"

"And I'm a PC and go fuck yourself."

"But…Apple computers are great for creating graphics and stuff!"

"Who are you, Bob Pixar?  Suck it."

Everyone thinks they're a computer animator.  You're not.  You're a nerd.  And a goof.


This latest fuckjob Apple's found themselves in with regards to their piece of shit iPhone 4, what with it's whole "not working right" thing, has really got me smiling.  I love Steve Job's damage control, too.  First he tells his customers that it's their fault (sounds like something I would do), then offers free cases, the value of which are probably < $1.00.

Apple is such a behemoth that I'm sure nothing can sink them, least of all this latest snafu, but any bad press for them makes my day.  (especially since I am Team Android, in case I didn't mention)

Here's a great vid that illustrates Apple-heads' herd-like mentality…

* full disclosure: One of my friends, Allison P. posted this on her f-book today, so props to her!

LCD Soundsystem Month On Velveteen’s Funstuff Is Drawing To A Close…

July 20, 2010

For your patience and dedication, I reward you with this:

Listen on Posterous

Velveteen Ballsac, Customer Service Expert Extraordinaire

July 20, 2010

Got a customer complaint at work today.  Someone wrote in to bitch because the ice machine went on the fritz the other night and we didn’t have ice for drinks for a short spell.

My boss received the complaint via email and sent to me.  Here’s our correspondence…

Hi John,

Please review the guest concern below.

This is a very disconcerting email to receive… Did we run out of ice? If so, why?

Can you please contact this guest via phone and offer passes for compensation.

Please investigate his claims and email me with what you find and what steps are put in place to resolve these issues.


Billy LeBeefDirector of Operations  Movie Theatre Place Limited

500000 Yonge Street  Toronto, ON  M22 6ZZ 

P 519-555-7801  C 416-555-9511 │ F 902-555-4246 


Hi Beefer:

I was very disconcerted to learn that you were disconcerted that a person had the balls to write an email to cry about the horrors he encountered, having to face a Coke without ice.  He must have been very disconcerted indeed!

Rest assured, I have conducted a full investigation.  I toyed with the idea of phoning the police (as soda sans ice is obviously a crime), but instead set myself to the task.  First, I dedicated a full hour to sitting and pondering the issue.  HOW could this have happened…and why?

Having started my movie theatre career 20 years ago (you know, when you were 2 years old) I have, needless to say, seen a lot of caper films.  Using tactics from some good detective pictures I’ve viewed, I first smoked a few cigarettes and downed a couple of coffees.  Then, I paced in a circular manner for a good 3/4 of an hour.

After a while things started to come into focus.  I remembered that I was actually on-duty that night.  I further remembered that the ice machine had stopping working at one point.  When this happened I was perplexed and stymied; how could a 45 year old piece of equipment not function flawlessly?  In a blind panic,  I switched the ice machine from “ON” to “OFF”, then back to “ON” again.  At that point, like some sort of miracle, the machine began to work once again.

To be completely honest, at the time I was incapable of getting passes from the safe and distributing them to all 800 people in attendance (despite the fact that, naturally, everyone should be compensated with a free admission worth up to $13 each for the inconvenience of the absence of free frozen water)…

No, I was unable to do so as I was in a total tizzy from the entire experience and when I get in a tizzy, I get all gassy and tend to sweat (not the best state to appease customers in).

Anyhow….yes, I will forward this person 20 passes and well as a wet wad of Kleenex as proof for them of how much I have agonized over this.

As for what steps we should take to prevent such a tragedy from repeating itself:

 I suggest that we whore out your mother to raise money to purchase a new ice machine.  Should we say…what, $50/blowjob?  Ohhhh wait, I suppose you take after your dad, which would make him the blowjob pro, yeah?  Is he available?

You’re Welcome,