Each day is pretty much the same for me. I get up early in the morning, have some cereal, and then go about getting myself ready for work.
Showering doesn't take all that long for me because I have a baldy shaved head, so I don't have any shampoo-time. I'm not losing my hair or anything like that; I didn't shave it off out of shame. No man, before I shaved it I was rockin' a faux-hawk! But I knew I would look totally hot with a baldy head. Just like I did with the faux-hawk. I don't mind that 5 out of every 6 guys has a shaved head these days. I still feel unique.
Anyway, the time saved on shampooing balances out nicely the extra time I need to put into maintaining my microbeard. I need to take an hour each morning with a razor and tweezers to keep up my Sharpie-drawn-along-my-jawline-from-ear-to-ear look.
Once I finish all my grooming, I get dressed. I save time here too because I just wear slight variations of the same outfit everyday. Usually I'll just wear a wife-beater (white or black). If not that, then I'll wear a t-shirt that is a size too small and has all kinds of gaudy silver and gold looking shit on it. No matter which shirt I choose, I don't need sleeves cuz both my arms are completely tattooed, so it looks like I've already got on green and blue sleeves. So I'm fuckin' sorted there.
I put on any old pair of pants (any kind of pants go with a wife-beater or a black t-shirt). I make sure I get at least one gold chain around my neck and put on one of my watches that are so big they look like a shiny metal box turtle stuck to my wrist. Lastly, the toughest decision of the day: my white-rimmed sunglasses, or my Oakley's (triangular lenses)…?
I head down to the car: a tricked-out Honda Civic with neon under-lights, a totally sick spoiler and a fuckin' supremo custom exhaust tip (so I can entertain everyone for blocks around with its mighty, high-pitched whine). Before I get on the road I make sure I stick my Bluetooth ear-piece in. I'm just that fucking important.
I head out for the highway. I start blaring some sick dance tracks. I don't have a girl with me or anything…I actually enjoy dance music.
I drive to the very end of the on-ramp, whether the whole right-lane is wide open or not. I absolutely, 100% CANNOT stay in one lane for more than 20 seconds; I MUST change lanes repeatedly, otherwise people might think I'm a pussy. And I don't use my signals. I invented the "pass everyone by using the off-ramp lane and then force-merge back on" maneuver.
Then I get to work.
After work, I head over to Tim Horton's to hang out in the parking lot with a bunch of dudes just like me. We just hang out with our Civics and Acuras and shit.
I say things like: "epic" and "no worries" and "yo".
I bump fists at least 30 times a day.
So yeah. That's me.
I'm pretty much…..a complete fucking douchebag.
I guess I'm like this because………well, because of my dick.
It's like a pink Chapstick with a purple lid.