My parents gave me this watch for my Bar Mitzvah.*


I didn't start wearing it until I had good boner-control (last year).   

I've finally had to retire it though and I now keep it in a drawer.  The fact is that I am like Pavlov's dog when it comes to obeying the demands of jewelery and it just became too difficult to get through the day (I didn't heed the warning at the bottom of the ad).

I found that its command would come up at the most inopportune times:

  • at the beach
  • during my stint as a department store Santa
  • while taking a shit
  • giving the dog a bath
  • while doing my volunteer work with the mentally disabled
  • when I was car-jacked
  • dinner at the in-laws
  • the night I spent in jail
  • in the delivery room during the birth of my son(s)
  • immediately after finishing fucking

Now I am free from the watch and feel like a new man.  And I'm not nearly as sore.

*I'm not Jewish.  My parents just wanted me to think I ran Hollywood.

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