Drowning in Lube: A Theory


It’s not often that I develop a theory on anything, let alone one that I think is pretty solid, but I’m proud of this one because I think it’s right on the money.  It goes like this:
-I’ve noticed that in the last several years, there has been a Lube Explosion.  It occurred to me: “Jeez, look at all the different brands of lube all of a sudden!”  Not too long ago, you had KY and Astroglide and that’s it.  Otherwise you’d maybe use Vaseline if you were discount.
-This made me wonder:  why?  Why is there suddenly such a variety?  This is a supply-and-demand society we live in, so I suppose there is a demand, right?  But how come?  Has there been a sudden Great Cooch Dry-Up or something?  

-I think the answer is: yes…in a way.

-Consider this:  “Porn’s Mighty Influence.  Porn is not only awesome, but it is hugely powerful.  The porn industry’s annual revenue in the U.S. is greater than all major league sports, Hollywood and video games combined. (I’m guessing).  Porn is the hottest ticket on the internet and has been a major force in the furtherment of technology in general.  

-I’m not saying Porn (capitalized, out of respect) is responsible for the lube-flood directly. I don’t mean that people watch porn and they see the superstars using it and think: “I need some too!” out of plain idolatry.  What I’m saying is…well, look at this picture:


I think we can all agree that the sentiment inherent in this handbag is true.  Over the last 30 years, the female bush has dwindled from once-prominent, to now scorned and replaced with Scorched Earth.  Why did this happen?  How did everyone gradually shift to this preference much the way fashion trends become universal?  I’ll tell you why: Porn.  

-Porn is responsible for the clean shorn masses. (haha…”porn shorn”)  You know why?  Closeups.  Porn actresses began to trim and shave more and more in the name of being able to see the action better.  I’m not making this up.  And at this stage of the game, it is now commonplace, nay expected that Porn actresses (and, in the mind of unenlightened chauvinists: women in general) keep their kitty Kojack.

-So, how does this explain the rise of the Lube-tide?  Simple:  because a woman’s bush does not exist solely to give 12 year old boys boners when they see it.  No, the main purpose of a healthy bush is for…*drum roll*…..lubrication.  Yeah.  That’s right.  Having a muff in such an area can make things get warm and moist and…yeah.  (there’s also the pheromone factor…but that doesn’t play in my theory).  One of the main reasons for the fur is to reduce friction.

-Conclusion:  if you eliminate the friction-reducer, what do you get?  Right.  What’s a handy way to get around it?  Right.  And, if it becomes commonplace to be friction-reduced, what product is going to become that much more in demand?  Indeed.

Class dismissed.

One Response to “Drowning in Lube: A Theory”

  1. Dave Says:

    Awesome…kitty Kojak, nice. If I may be so bold as to build upon your theory, no Porn is complete without Anal (with the exception of Kung Fu Nurses A-Go-Go…who knew), and all the young hepcats are doing it in lieu of Le Vage…it’s practically the norm (cue angelic choral music). Sodomy is the new doggystyle. And as a side note, that ain’t no cherry, that hymen is lymon.

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