Archive for November, 2009

Three Bad Things

November 29, 2009

A Saying I Hate:

"I wouldn't kick her out of bed."

A Phrase I Hate:

"Hunky-dory"

A Verb I Hate:

"Squat"
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An Observation I Made About Human Nature When I Was 9 Years Old That Still Holds True

November 29, 2009

Stupid people and ugly people almost always have terrible handwriting.

Untitled

November 29, 2009
Me_and_shat_twilightzone

Old, But Still Hilarious

November 28, 2009

Roth Getting Down by Internet Enthusiast Daily
Listen on Posterous

David Lee Roth’s vocals-only “Runnin’ With The Devil”.  Highly quotable.

Drowning in Lube: A Theory

November 26, 2009

Lube

It’s not often that I develop a theory on anything, let alone one that I think is pretty solid, but I’m proud of this one because I think it’s right on the money.  It goes like this:
-I’ve noticed that in the last several years, there has been a Lube Explosion.  It occurred to me: “Jeez, look at all the different brands of lube all of a sudden!”  Not too long ago, you had KY and Astroglide and that’s it.  Otherwise you’d maybe use Vaseline if you were discount.
-This made me wonder:  why?  Why is there suddenly such a variety?  This is a supply-and-demand society we live in, so I suppose there is a demand, right?  But how come?  Has there been a sudden Great Cooch Dry-Up or something?  

-I think the answer is: yes…in a way.

-Consider this:  “Porn’s Mighty Influence.  Porn is not only awesome, but it is hugely powerful.  The porn industry’s annual revenue in the U.S. is greater than all major league sports, Hollywood and video games combined. (I’m guessing).  Porn is the hottest ticket on the internet and has been a major force in the furtherment of technology in general.  

-I’m not saying Porn (capitalized, out of respect) is responsible for the lube-flood directly. I don’t mean that people watch porn and they see the superstars using it and think: “I need some too!” out of plain idolatry.  What I’m saying is…well, look at this picture:

Evototebag

I think we can all agree that the sentiment inherent in this handbag is true.  Over the last 30 years, the female bush has dwindled from once-prominent, to now scorned and replaced with Scorched Earth.  Why did this happen?  How did everyone gradually shift to this preference much the way fashion trends become universal?  I’ll tell you why: Porn.  

-Porn is responsible for the clean shorn masses. (haha…”porn shorn”)  You know why?  Closeups.  Porn actresses began to trim and shave more and more in the name of being able to see the action better.  I’m not making this up.  And at this stage of the game, it is now commonplace, nay expected that Porn actresses (and, in the mind of unenlightened chauvinists: women in general) keep their kitty Kojack.

-So, how does this explain the rise of the Lube-tide?  Simple:  because a woman’s bush does not exist solely to give 12 year old boys boners when they see it.  No, the main purpose of a healthy bush is for…*drum roll*…..lubrication.  Yeah.  That’s right.  Having a muff in such an area can make things get warm and moist and…yeah.  (there’s also the pheromone factor…but that doesn’t play in my theory).  One of the main reasons for the fur is to reduce friction.

-Conclusion:  if you eliminate the friction-reducer, what do you get?  Right.  What’s a handy way to get around it?  Right.  And, if it becomes commonplace to be friction-reduced, what product is going to become that much more in demand?  Indeed.

Class dismissed.

Just made up a joke:

November 20, 2009

"Knock knock"

"Who's there?"

"Swingset"

"Swingset who?"

"The Toronto Maple Leafs can suck my balls!"

This Makes Me Violent

November 20, 2009
1pcc4dbq

I don't know what this is, or where it came from, but it makes me want bad things to happen.

Untitled

November 20, 2009
Mqiwo

I was roped into babysitting for some friends.  I wasn't happy about it, but I wasn't going to let it spoil my day.

Saw Stone Temple Pilots last night…

November 19, 2009
Stp

…at Copps Coliseum in Hamilton.  

They're one of my all-time faves and I had never seen them live before, so it was a great pleasure.  Great job by Jay Shizz: he was the man with the plan and the wherewithal to grab the tickets for all of us (floors!  great vantage point!).  And thanks to Paul "Bear" Bearant for driving my ass there; that was sweet, as it allowed me to drink some 6 pints, some Sambuca and some tequila.  Delicious.

I just bought a little handheld HD camcorder yesterday (cheap job from W-Mart) and brought it to the show .  It does a pretty good job….in well-wit places.  Dark concert places, not so much.  Also, I believe I kept putting my finger over the little microphone-hole….but regardless, the sheer power of the rock was too much for the mic anyway.  So, the footage I took is shaky, dim and has shit sound.  But here's some o.k. video taken by other dudes from the same show.  (one's a cool montage)

PS: Gotta love that they ended the show with "Grandma's Candy" too

Untitled

November 18, 2009
Baby-tunnel