Archive for July, 2008
There was a disturbing story in the news today about some crazy bastard that decapitated another dude with a knife on a Greyhound bus out near Winnipeg. Jimi asked a very legitimate question> Could it have been Scott? There then followed a series of Scott-centric banter, full of jokes so inside that only maybe 6 or 7 people on the planet would get them. So…here’s the transcript!
Rob: that is sooo fucking weird….that’s exactly what I thought when I first read this story…bald man, sunglasses.
Me: “Police have indicated that the decapitated man was a tattooed Mason who enraged the killer after calling him a ‘testimony’.”
Jimi: “The accused attacker was later spotted trying to sell a Rotel integrated amplifier and a spool of copper wire some distance futher along the highway claiming he hadn’t had anything to smoke that day, nor the day before. But had apparently consumed 6 beers.”
Me: “Although the suspect expressed regret that he did not possess an Ingram Mac-10 automatic pistol, he continued to dennwhy any involvement in the murder.”
Me: “The suspect offered a confusing alibi, claiming that he used to be handy around the house until he blew out the back of the garage. He had been building a footstool.”
Jimi: “The suspect claimed over and over that he owed everything to Don Wrinkles”
Me: “Police took the suspect to the 9th precinct, where they photoed him.”
Jimi: “Police were literally baffled when the accused insisted on slowly poking his head around a corner at odd angles for his booking photo
Rob: Didn’t Scott’s real parents live in Winnepeg?
“When informed by police of his right to an attorney, Mr. Clarke explained that Polish lesbians “only make it with guys”, and repeatedly described the holding cell as “Filliesque”. ”
Jimi: “Under intense grilling…the suspect confessed…alternately babbling and crying. Police deduced that the suspect must have found the process cathartic as it `all started coming out of him brother'”. Police have now called in a physician to deal with Mr.. Clarke’s incontinence.
Me: “Authorities have stressed to the media that this was not the work of a psychopath, but that of a severe retard. Relatives say the accused has been despondent since Trafalgar Village was torn down and that the only time he was happy was when he was high on marijuana, or shoving female passengers from moving vehicles.”
“A man known only to Police as “Tobyline” has now stepped forward with information after feeling overcome with guilt at the predicament Mr. Clarke has now found himself in. “Tobyline” has been described by onlookers as bearing a striking resemblance to Michael Anthony, the former bass player for Van Halen save the vomit-stained white jeans which “are more CC Deville” according to those around him.
Me: “Lt. Bobo and Office Royce claim the suspect became agitated when asked to provide proof of intelligence. He became further perplexed when he was brought near the cells, whereupon he began to scream that they “reeked of cream”. Both officials agreed that the arrest was the most unhip collar they ever made.”
Jimi: “This just in—Mr.Clarke has dismissed his court-ordered attorney and opted to take counsel from a large bottle of balsamic vinegar…..more in 7 minutes….”
Me: “When asked what his motive was Mr. Clarke initially tried to blame the crime on a Mr. Robert Todd. Eventually he admitted his guilt, explaining that the world is a stage and “each must play a part”.
Jimi: “When told his behaviour was erratic and cause for concern by the court, Mr. Clarke directed his vective towards Judge Angus admonishing him that he “had to admit it”…and pressed the honourable Judges nerves when he asked him repeatedly to “give it to him”. The balsamic vinegar only watched in stunned silence and calls to it’s office were not immediately returned.”
Rob: I don’t get the Balsamic Vinegar thing but it’s killing me
Me: “When he refused to leave the witness stand, Judge Angus loudly commanded him to “GET DOWN!”. Mr. Clarke returned to his seat in a shaky and highly animated manner, which he explained was his impression of the Ultimate Incarcerated. After having the clerk read back a portion of the transcript, the judge called a recess and dispatched an aide to find out “what a stitch is”. ”
Saw this on McSweeney’s…(the site I will get a piece on one day….)
Ubiquitous Synergy Seekers – “2 15-16”
Can’t trust anything anymore.
I am back after a week’s vacation with Vicki & the boys up at the cottage.
We spent some time on Sauble Beach and I realized 3 indisputable facts:
1. Fat people loooooove the beach.
2. 90% of females now sport a tattoo.
3. Most of the time, whoever is tossing around that football/frisbee/beach ball is an asshole with no regard for other people’s private space. (“Hey, there’s a whole empty acre of space over there to play catch…..nah, let’s just toss it here among all the people on towels…to hell with them if we miss and hit them!”)
Here are some pictures….
First, I saw this kid riding his bike and just had to snap a picture of him. I saw him around town a couple more times and became obsessed with his head. I find it to be….really round.
I also took a picture of this woman.
Now, before you call me MEAN….let me point out that I only took the picture because she was the skinniest woman I had seen in an hour…
I was THIS CLOSE to walking up to this woman as she frolicked with her kids near our camp to say: “WHY BOTHER?!”
First picture is a road-sign. The second picture is of what was on the road behind it.
This was taken in a flea market-y / “junk” store in Wiarton (‘Wiarton Emporium’). Patrick plays his Nintendo DS pretty much constantly and gets so engrossed in it. This was not posed.
And this….this is just pretty, right?
While looking for board games at the cottage I came across some old school-work of mine. I found this piece fascinating…from my Business class in grade 10 (1987!). We had to pick an article about business tools or something…check out the crazy futuristic crap I was talking about!
We were browsing this old used-book store in the middle of nowhere when I spied my hero on an old (1981) magazine, so I had to pick it up!
It’s pretty interesting since it was just when “Stripes” was released…still years before “Ghostbusters”…so he was only a big star at the time, not a mega-star quite yet.
The magazine is also interesting just for the old ads and stuff. The movies reviewed in this issue are “Escape From New York” (which is panned…the headline is: “John Carpenter’s Escape to nowhere”) and “For Your Eyes Only”, which also gets a bad review.
The bands with the top 10 albums on the ‘Top 100 Album Chart’ are:
1. The Moody Blues 2. Kim Carnes 3. Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers 4. REO Speedwagon 5. Phil Collins 6. Santana 7. Styx 8. Billy Squier 9. Kenny Rogers 10. Rush
Life is good…for those with good lives. For the rest, not so much
Nuked the fridge” may soon surpass “Jumped the shark” as the catch phrase of choice to describe a once-beloved franchise that has spiralled into such preposterousness it will never recover.
(Google the term and dig the hits…)